A conversation starter about the Vow of Chastity
1. What it is Chastity?
Chastity is defined an evangelical counsel through which one vows to follow Christ in real life whether in an ecclesial community or as single person in the secular world. Like the other evangelical counsels, chastity is a principal means for furthering one’s chosen life of Charity[1]. Unlike other counsels, it has love/charity as its means and end. Because we choose to live the vow of poverty in order to “give” more, obedience in order to serve better; but Chastity is a vow of love in order to love more. That is, one makes the vow of loving God in order to love more God and others. Does it make sense? It does make sense at least in the understanding of Perfectae Caritatis which states that Chastity is “an outstanding gift of grace. It frees the heart of man in a unique fashion (cf. 1 Cor. 7:32-35) so that it may be more inflamed with love for God and for all men” (PC no.12).
2. What it is not
Chastity does not mean isolation, rejection of human love and friendship, or refraining from normal (non-genital behavior) related to the expression of one’s sexuality. It does not mean to love more, in the sense that one has the “possibility” of making a lot of love affairs around (that would be prostitution). Even though chaste celibacy means to avoid all voluntary genital and pregenital sexual behavior, it does not simply mean abstinence from genital sexuality.
To live a chaste celibacy is a gift from God that one must turn into a “passion”, a charism. (Definition of Charism: “A gift freely given by God to a person or a community, for the good and the service of others in bringing about the Reign of God”)[2]. Beyond any sarcasm and irony which are uncharitable ways of looking at this vow, Chastity is “To live in Christ Jesus”[3], it is to live “for God first”; it is “to belong to God”, and if the concepts of marriage and wedding are to be considered, to live a Chaste life is “to have God as one’s spouse”. Just as athletes might say “When I run, I feel God’s pleasure[4]” or “When I play soccer, I feel heaven”, that is what should be one’s feeling about his daily choices of living a chaste life. It is making permanent and continuous resolution supported by daily choices to live a chaste life that make it into a holy passion, a pleasure, a “hobby”.
3. Obstacles to Chaste life[5]
Misunderstanding and Mockery: Sometimes there are misconceptions about people who choose the celibate life. It is common to hear people say: “there is something psychologically wrong with you; - get out of that religious life and live a normal married life, etc.” Some people express a kind of false pity for the celibate, they ridicule and bully them.
Suspicion of pathology: people may manifest a belief that Chastity is an impossible ideal. There are also some psychological “trends” (popular psychology) that have created the illusion that sexual abstinence is impossible, except in the case of severe pathology. This trend is usually supported in some cultural beliefs.
Sexual Bombardment: today we live in a world of continuous sexual bombardment from advertising, media, and entertainment. Perhaps one of the most persistent and obviously invalid assumption of our civilization is that sexual behavior brings happiness. The media trumpet the message that “sex brings happiness”. This can be seen through the advertisements that always bear half naked men and women, even for items which do not have anything to do with the human body or a person. This makes chaste life somehow difficult. One may think that since he/she is not engaged in sexual activities, s/he is deprived of the key to happiness. However, if sex was the key to happiness, we would indeed live in an earthly paradise, and the world would be a “Happy Valley”. The truth is that it is not.
Loneliness: is the painful awareness of the need for and lack of companionship and support. It is considered as the greatest obstacle to celibate life. Obviously, the celibate must value aloneness, the state of being alone; and learn to overcome loneliness. Loneliness is when being alone becomes a burden because you don’t know anymore how to handle being alone.
The stigma of being single or celibate: The single man might easily be misunderstood, and in many cases is put in a bad light simply because he lives alone. This vulnerability is largely founded on psychological attitudes which the celibate persons can easily generate for themselves. Being single is usually a stigma for the people unmarried by reason of apparent misfortune, or against their own choice. This does not affect those who chose freely the celibate life. The stigma that affects the celibate consecrated persons today, is a misleading psychology (as mentioned above) and sexual abuses in the Church because they are (all) considered or consider themselves as mere abusers or somehow linked to some known abusers.
4. A Celibate life with Style
In a celibate life, one needs to make up his/her own lifestyle based on:
a. Friendship. Being alone can be frustrating in a world where having a partner or a company is prioritized. The celibate person must make sure that s/he is not too much alone. This requires an attitude about the value of having friends and friendly acquittances. Relationships of friendship can enhance one’s identity as person, increase one’s compassion, give one a renewed sense of being and strength, and enrich the person to be generative toward the wholeness of himself, the community, and the Church. It is the respectful, non-possessive, non-manipulative, nurturing and accepting of the beloved which makes fulfilment possible. To live a life of consecrated or religious celibacy/chastity means to build a community of true love and friendship. Note: In this process making friendships, one still has to make sure that there are clear boundaries and limits, that things do not turn into a romantic liaison of any form. “Better love and lose” than clinging to people who might lead you an wrong way.
b. Community and Service. The vow of chastity is better lived in the community. “Because religious community is a school of love (Schola Amoris) which helps one grow in love for God and for one’s brothers and sisters, it is also a place for human growth.”[6] One must develop a lifestyle which is in accordance with the lifestyle of a communal living and in accordance with the charism and rules of such a community because a religious community can be a safeguard against temptations that beset the religious in their spiritual journey. It becomes their support, their shield, their refuge. It is also an oasis of love where they can be refreshed through the love and care of the members of the community. “Above all, everyone should remember – superiors especially, that chastity has strong safeguards in a community when true fraternal love thrives among its members.”[7]
c. Practice self-care. Making efforts to know one’s strength and weakness; learning the value of the body and its meaning and train oneself in basic body hygiene (sleep, sport, relief, nourishment, etc.) Learn some fundamental notions about female and male reality in their physical, psychological, and spiritual connotations. Develop positive masculinity. Behave with due prudence in the use of the means of social communication and in personal relationship that could be an obstacle to the consistent practice the vow of chastity[8]. Exercising such prudence is necessary to all celibate persons; no one should consider himself “vaccinated” for the dangers and temptations against this vow.
d. A Dedicated and Ordered life of Prayer. A life of prayer is of great help for a celibate life. At first it simply means fidelity to meditation or vocal prayer, but as time goes on it leads to inner purification and a more intense listening of the prompting of the Holy Spirit. If one makes progress, he or she may experience contemplative meditation. This is more of a gift than an achievement, and it requires create inner peace and the silencing of the tumultuous strivings of the flesh. As the person is drawn on, chastity and in fact, the rejection of all deliberate sins becomes imperative. Prayer is seen as a pearl of great price and the treasure hidden in the field mature kish and pray is the profound psychological realization of the Kingdom of God within[9].
5. Praise of the Celibate life
There is something special about celibacy. Initially, it is a gift from God. In fact, many testify that they started desiring to become religious, celibate through a God-related experience. Moreover, integrated mature celibates believe that they have made it or are making it through God’s help more than on their own capabilities. From some outsiders (non-religious), celibacy fascinates. It raises curiosity as: “What could prompt someone to publicly claim that s/he would not marry, not date in the usual sense of the world, and not engage in explicit sexual behaviors?”. Integrated celibates are attractive, not necessarily in the sense of beauty but with the compelling attractiveness that comes from the contemplative center of the soul and the activities they carry out; they seem to be more interested with others. They often project a spiritual aura that signals it is safe to approach and safe to reveal[10]. The celibate commitment to non-genital relationships has the capacity to generate transforming, spiritually enriching, and life-defining friendships (testimonies are abundant in this sense).
Questions for Discussion
1. What is your understanding (definition) of the Vow of Chastity?
2. What obstacles have you met? (Your strength and weakness?)
3. How do you overcome these obstacles?
4. Does your lifestyle help you face the challenges of a chaste life in today’s world?
By Mugisho Bisimwa Pasteur, sx
[1] Elizabeth McDonough “Evangelical Council of Chastity”, in Review for Religious Vol. 57 (1998),202-207.
[2] Donald Cozzens, Freeing Celibacy (Claretians Publications, QC, 2007), 19.
[3] Benedict J. Groeschel, The Courage to be chaste, (Paulist Press, New York, 1985), 12.
[4] Ibidem.
[5] Idem, pp, 14-20.
[6] Congregation for institutes of consecrated life and societies of apostolic life, Fraternal life in community, 35.
[7] Congregation for institutes of consecrated life and societies of apostolic life, Directives on education in religious life (1990), no. 12.
[8] Ibidem.
[9] Benedict J. Groeschel, The Courage to be chaste, 102.
[10] Donald Cozzens, Freeing Celibacy, 8.
